ANEW AGAIN

How many posts can I start off by saying; oh! I am moving into something new! Again! Aren't we always, aren't we ever? Each day...a new day...a new something we have never seen before; new sounds; new smells; new sunshine, new sensations. Familiar perhaps, but always new.

And so...is this. New.

For real this time, I promise!

When I glance over previous posts (and I really do mean glance - not at all read because that is too annoying to me presently) I definitely see a pattern where I try to commit myself to my craft and *really* trying. It's funny to me, the way life unfolds sometimes. That I tried and tried and strove and strove to make the time to do what I felt I wanted to do...

and then...

over the past year I have had a huge shift. Something about moving, about being in a new place, settling in, loving our home, loving so much being a mom - and really embracing being *just* a mom. Embracing this life; husband busy busy busy at work, me at home with the kids...alone...alot. But, this is the way it is, I thought, and it is good. So lucky, we are, to be able to be here; with abundance and love and kids and home and food. Challenging at times, yes, but overall good.

And so, I thought I would retire my humble ambitions. Let go of the lofty thoughts of selling my goods - maybe making a living at it someday, somehow. What was the point, really? Mostly it caused me to miss out on sleep that if I got would make me a less grumpy mummy - and would also make less mess. I focused more on home life; cooking, cleaning, being creative with the kids, playing music. Frivolous creative endeavors, instead of ones that might offshoot into monetary gain. Downsizing my craft room to a cupboard. Although I do flip flop back and forth I was really realizing that this choice made the most sense for now -- maybe in five or six years I could revisit it - but for now...

It really made more sense to let it all go. Play and be creative if I needed to for myself, but forget trying to make money at it or gain some sense of identity from it. I didn't need to and everyone would be happier, really, if I spent more time keeping the household running smoothly. Not in some old-timey context, but really; I couldn't do it all. I feel like that realization sort of came to me, gently. Also, becoming pregnant again and realizing that another busy four or five years lay ahead - and this was likely the last wee one for us (number four) and I would really like to just enjoy this baby and not stress myself out trying to make a little bit of extra cash.

Not that it is all about the money -- but definitely putting energy into etsy and craft shows etc. is, and I realized that unless I had a certain threshold of input the results would be meager and I was really realizing that in my life, with my abilities, I just couldn't put more into that world without sacrificing things that I really couldn't bear to sacrifice. It wasn't worth it, and we really had no need.

So, in the early winter, after thrashing about in the pre-Christmas madness, making and making, and enjoying it - I conceded to myself that this was likely it. I might keep posting little things on facebook, sharing a bit, selling a few dolls here and there, working on things when I felt like it - but without expectations or pressure - just for the joy of it - but that would be the extent for now - and for the next few years at least. After Christmas I would work on packing up my craft room into bins, stash most away in the attic, nicely labeled so I could bring down what I needed when I needed it - but just keep out the few things I would need to work on small projects over the next few months. For fun.

Alas. The world has plans.

The wonderful, steady and dependable company my husband had been working insane hours for over the past number of years unexpectedly went bankrupt. Two weeks before Christmas we got the news that his amazing job was no more.

When he left for the meeting in the morning - the one where they would tell him the crazy news - we suspected this might be the outcome. But what I certainly DID NOT expect was my husbands' reaction to the news. I thought he would be stressed out - upset - worried - distraught, even. Some incarnation of freak-out, anyways, probably coupled with slight depression and mountains of stress.

But he came home and said: Well, are you ready to start a new chapter in our life?

With ease, and lightness -- and -- elation?

It was a strange kind of freedom, we realized. An uncertain and potentially hazardous kind. But there was suddenly, it seemed, a boundless horizon before us, unmarked and full of potentially awesome potential.

And so...the newness.

An entirely new sort of life.

In which I am put to the test. We decided to try. To try and see what happens. To see, can we make our own living? Can we create and thrive?

This is our newness, now. We are only a couple months in, earnestly seeking and learning and stretching. But we are loving this newness. And a relaxed feeling is settling back into his bones.

Wonder and joy and love are becoming everyday adventures again. Life and meaning and appreciation are a shared experience within the whole family - there is a reconnecting that was sorely needed, but had no time to be had! I am so grateful!

So - this time - for real. I have a need to do the sweet making. And I have the support and the time to do it too - and I feel totally spoiled and grateful and wonderstruck that any and all of this is unfolding. It is early yet - who knows what the years hold - what this year holds. But I am going to try and make the most of it.

We are expecting a new baby in the spring. Another new adventure. It is going to be a busy year. A year of many beginnings.

This is a long rant - after a long absence and with many unshared thoughts in between - but I do hope to use this blog on a regular basis - to share the unfoldings of our humble home - but also the inner workings of the studio, yummy distractions, DIY inspirations, adventures, sales, creations -- all things humble. ;)